Ten Reasons to Watch the los76ers in 2014-5

I grew up in Philadelphia on Allen Iverson’s 76ers. He took a measly, lousy, no-good team in 2001 to the NBA Finals. Seriously, get rid of him and what was that team? Mutombo wagging his finger and Eric Snow passing to Aaron McKie? Do you even know who Aaron McKie is? Tyrone “Skeletor” Hill?

Granted, that Finals appearance was against an awful Eastern conference that today is, outside of Chicago and Cleveland, just about the same in 2014. A.I. was ridiculous at the turn of the millennium, though. In those 2001 Finals, the 76ers actually managed to beat the previously undefeated Lakers in Game 1. Now don’t go all “Iverson scored 48!” because Shaq scored 44—that game was really about the Lakers being cold. They had a month off from annihilating the Western conference. What made Iverson fun to watch was that at any moment, he could be Magic Johnson or telling people who cares about practice. Sometimes, often in fact, he’d be both. My best friend from high school, Pat, used to joke that A.I. would boldly claim, “Quit school. Play basketball.” Iverson was fun to watch because you never knew what was going to happen but at least it’d be a good show. There would always be pyrotechnics. And Iverson was the Efreet.

Which brings me to the 2014-5 Philadelphia los76ers. They aren’t going to be a good team. They won’t win a lot of games. They may not win ten, although the end of the seasons, they might pick up a few from other spectacular firestorms (see: Boston Celtic). In fact, when I think of the 2014-5 los76sers, I imagine a flying pirate ship hovering over the Philadelphia art museum, with flames erupting from every port, every night. Of course that means it’s going to be quite the show. Indeed, there are plenty of reasons to watch the los76ers. Here are the top 10 reasons to watch them:

1. How bad can they get? How many games will they lose and by how many points? We should all root against the proposal to shorten games because seeing the los76ers fall to a sharp Bulls team in mid-season form by 70 points? *Seriously, why are tickets so expensive? Also, there are still a lot of expensive tickets for that Bulls March 11^th game!)*

2. Nerlens Noel. This is all we really need to see. But really, how much can he play? How is his offensive game? He could be really good and he’s a rookie.

3. The possible return of Joel Emiid. If Emiid returns, you’ve got 3 players who can straight up ball.

4. Michael Carter-Williams. Who is that third player I just mentioned? MCW developed bad habits last year after the Sam Hinkie’s fire sale. How will he respond?

5. Who will they trade? Really this could be anyone, including the chairs and hotdog vendors.

6. How many people will continue to buy these expensive tickets? What kinds of giveaways will the los76ers’ management think up?

7. How irate and outraged will Stephen A. Smith be? How many times will he bring up Allen Iverson on First Take?

8. How loud will the boo-birds be?

9. Seriously, who is going to buy those expensive tickets?

10. And lastly, don’t watch the los76ers this season. It’s sad. But if you do, imagine them as the nothingness from The Neverending Story. It’s a lot more fun that way. Or you could imagine them as an inverse basketball team. They are whatever team the Globetrotters plays against. Maybe we’ll get to see the 1962 Washington Generals. Maybe.